Hey y’all! If you’ve been following me, you have probably read a somewhat recent post titled “You Can’t Have It ALL”, highlighting some of the many things I’m grateful for on a daily basis:
I’ve been blessed with 2 amazing little girls, the option of staying home with them while they were too little for school, a home that I love, a home situated on a parcel of wooded land with a creek running through it (Nature is essential to this girl!), a wood-burning fireplace (authentic; my respite from winter’s ferocity), financial stability, enough left over to plan road-trips (in the best camper ever!) during the summer months & flights to tropical locale’s in the winter, the opportunity to start a biz (THIS biz!) – focusing on topics that I’m truly passionate about, immense flexibility with my time, and a caring & trustworthy husband to boot.
Here’s the thing…
As I’ve continued to be pulled more inward (and this has been occurring gradually over time, but even more so over roughly the past year) – I’ve become increasingly aware of a little something burning deep down within me that has grown to become a stronger blaze that I can simply no longer ignore.
As the (now ex) husband accurately put it “We had it all… Everything – BUT THAT.”
What is “THAT”, you ask? It’s a genuine, deep, natural, electric connection. One that goes way beyond “We are good friends, and we also have love for one another.” Or, “I love you, so we’ll keep trying to MAKE this ‘work’.” It’s exceptionally difficult to put into words. Nothing appropriately can express what I mean. But I trust my heart and how it needs to FEEL. Feeling takes precedence over analyzing for me now. It’s a form of ‘letting go’ – of a (perceived) sense of control. It’s about making choices that have heart-felt meaning, and not according to society’s expectations or a sense of obligation. No one wins when we choose out of fear or obligation.
It was like I suddenly ‘woke up’ and recognized some harsh realities about my life that I’d been stuffing down (for a very long time.) I’d been receiving nudges from Uni, and from within my heart, for several years. I’d feel it. It would gnaw at me. It’d start to bubble over. I’d stifle it. We would ‘work through things’ – always coming out stronger or ‘better off’ – but never truly, authentically fulfilled. Something (very integral to my needs) was still missing – big time.
For a lot of years, I couldn’t pin-point what was lacking/ missing/ hurting/ creating this emptiness. I wrote pages and pages to myself over the course of many years – trying to work it out in my mind. I wrote pages & pages to Joel – trying to work it out for us both. It took a long time, and my own willingness to be open to myself and to reality – to finally figure out why nothing seemed to work or last. There is still that elemental piece missing – and it can’t be created, forced, or contrived – even when 2 people are willing to ‘work’ at it.
You see, I’ve been choosing happiness – in spite of circumstances that I cannot control. How we perceive those situations often plays a big role in how we feel regarding them. So it came as a surprise to many that we would head in this direction – except me. I’ve been toying with the idea in the back of my mind for a very, very long time. (We’ve been together for nearly 20 years, and we’ve been to this rodeo at least 6 times – with many more challenges arising in between from our lacking compatibility.)
We were basing this all on a hope. A false hope. He’s not a bad person. I’m not a bad person. We didn’t do anything horrendous to one another. Although he kept me on a ‘tight leash’ – he didn’t do so intentionally. It was a byproduct of his thought process. He lives and makes choices out of a fear-based mentality. I choose adventure, love, and trust. What is the point of living if we are solely seeking comfort, security, and avoidance of fear? We have completely different outlooks on and approaches to life.
Don’t get me wrong; we all have fears. We just don’t all choose to allow it to dictate our lives. In as much, in practicing what I preach, I’m stepping out of all of this security, every “sure thing” in my life right now, to follow my heart’s promptings and allow room for something magical. I’m choosing faith over fear. I’m giving up some of my time-based freedoms for a heart-centered freedom – to choose for me, to fully embrace who I am in every way, no longer dimming my flame to ‘keep an even keel’ – all while moving toward my Core Desired Feelings (CDF’s).
One of my CDF’s – at the very core of my being – is freedom. [There’s a freebie for ya! For the other 5 desires that stem from the core of me – you can sign up for the weekly newsletters in any the boxes around the site and have instant access to your ‘Subscriber Only Bonus Page’!] In line with that – what’s most important to me now – is trusting in the wisdom of that divine guidance, and keeping the faith that what I need out of any kind of committed relationship like marriage – or any chosen relationship for that matter – is a primal (genuine) connection.[Oops, another freebie!] Nothing forced. Nothing we “make” work. Nothing we “hope for”. There really is no lonelier feeling that feeling alone while someone is sitting right next to you.
I see people all around me in ‘numb’ relationships. They get along. They don’t hate each other. In fact, they love one another. They support one another. But you can see in their eyes when something is missing. Maybe it’s not to do with their relationship as much as it is to do with what’s bubbling up inside of them – from their core – that they keep stuffing down. Maybe it’s the fact that they aren’t allowing their flame to burn brightly – truly owning their worth. It may stem from the relationship, or it may not. Either way – no one in those commitments is truly happy. If each individual isn’t able to fully embrace who they are, and/ or – they don’t feel a bona fide, palpable, magnetic pull to the other person – it’s not going to be fulfilling. Relationships based on convenience, comfort, or any other number of tangible/ measurable scenarios, are not likely to last. [Or at a minimum, not likely to flourish!] You can stuff it down, and ‘roll with it’ – but that’s just not how I roll. My heart is getting louder. My clarity is increasing. My needs have to come first – or I can’t be of any real value to anyone else, including my kids, myself, my friends, my work, or any of YOU! I’ve come to realize that in spite of “having it all” (ALMOST) – I still wasn’t truly fulfilled.
I’m Trusting, I’m gettin’ “dirty”, I’m starting from scratch and with limited support. (Thankfully we’ve been able to remain friends in this, as he and some friends I adore are my primary sources of both physical help and emotional uplift/ encouragement/ understanding.)
Here’s the best part…. Although scary, overwhelming, and filled full of “unknowns” and “uncertainties”, I’m oddly at peace. I have a deep sense of “knowing” about this, and other aspects of my life. It’s basically like – it was due to happen, but it had to unfold in divine time, not “my” time. This is the time. I’m stepping out of a self-depreciating pattern and into a world of opportunity. I don’t doubt my instincts or ability to co-conspire with the Universe to make my life what it is meant to be; my faith is stronger than ever before! My instincts in the past weren’t “incorrect”. It all unfolded as it was meant to. (In particular – I couldn’t imagine life without my daughters!) I know that any setback is temporary – and this process will continue to enable me to remove blocks to achieving my greatest good. I can continue to manifest things that hold meaning for me – in a potential future relationship, with finances, with housing, with my (budding) online career… But I can’t truly enjoy any of those things if my heart is not in the right place – feeling nourished, tended to, and understood.
Time to own my self-worth to the fullest (and stop doubting)! Time to fan my flame! Time to break out of my cage and live my purpose – fully! Time to embrace the challenges and learn from them. Time to really recognize things for what they have been, and what they are now – and continue to evolve and grow as I’m meant to. Time to look forward to SHARING in any future travels – with my girls or anyone else who may accompany me/ us. Time to enjoy my solitude, and use it to fully embrace my heart’s yearnings, and help fulfill what personal growth I’m here to achieve. Time to put myself in a position to fully put myself out there as I continue to figure out how to be of service in the world. Burning BRIGHTLY.
I know that my happiness stems from within – and I don’t want to be locked down into sharing that happiness with someone else unless it’s RIGHT, and reciprocal, and pure.
I’ve stepped off the beaten path, into unknown terrain – but with an open heart, a sense of adventure, a strong sense of faith and trust, and Uni on my side. Less projecting into the future, less analytical decision-making. Simplifying. Following my heart. Trusting my instincts. One step at a time… [Little Steps; BIG Impact, yo!] Living NOW. FULLY ALIVE!
Thanks for being here with me on this journey! If YOU want to offer a show of support for this girl, I’d appreciate you sharing the website with your friends! They can follow me for free, and we can continue our journeys – together. We’re all continually evolving. Let’s lift one another up and warrior-on! [MANY THANKS!]